The Swift Wits Scandal
by AJ Wargo
Summary: On hindsight, maybe a gameshow about animals being eaten if a contestant fails was a bad idea.


((Author's Note: I bet you're wondering why I made this fanfic. Let me put it bluntly- I don't like the Swift Wits sketches on Muppets Tonight. I felt that it just felt wrong for them to be putting innocent animals on the line. So I decided to set up this fanfic to suggest what would happen once the show's luck ran out.))

It was your typical day on Swift Wits. The producer, Marv Griffith (an actual griffin), Snookie Blyer and his crew were preparing to shoot for an episode- hoping there would actually be a winner this time- and Big Mean Carl was preparing for an inevitable snack.

Soon enough, the cameras were recording and Byler started to go over his introduction.

"Hello, welcome to Swift Wits, the fastest game show on television! I'm Snookie Blyer and-"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, sirens wailed out and police officers burst into the room.

"FREEZE, EVERYONE! Don't do anything stupid! Mister Griffith, come out here! You are under arrest!" One of the cops, a orange Whatnot, shouted.

Griffith flew down and asked, "You're ruining airtime for the show! Officers, what have I done wrong?"

The cops slapped handcuffs on Griffith on all of his legs and his wings.

"You are under arrest for multiple counts of animal cruelty! Also, Blyer is under arrest, too, as well as Big Mean Carl!" The Whatnot cop shouted.

With that, two cops tackled Blyer to the ground as well as tazering Big Mean Carl and handcuffing him.

"Does this mean no dessert?" Carl cried out as he was lead off the set.

"Cut to commercials! Quick, cut to commercials!" Byler shouted out as he was hauled off by his arms.

With that, the lights were turned off as a commercial break was then shown.

Back in the studio, Clifford, Rizzo, and Gonzo looked over this with concern.

"Did that really just happen? Did the police really just bust up tonight's showing of Swift Wits?" Rizzo asked.

"I think they did! Someone, get a lawyer! We've got trouble!" Gonzo shouted and ran off to find one.

"I never liked that show anyway. It was a bit inhumane." Clifford replied.

"But how come you keep letting Carl onto our show, then?" Rizzo inquired.

"He at least promises to regurgitate the guys he eats when he's done. But I don't think he ever regurgitated any of the animals." Clifford added.

Shortly afterwards, Griffith, Blyer, and Carl were taken to the nearby jail and booked on multiple counts of animal cruelty.

"Seriously, forcing animals into a situation where their lives are on the line? You are one messed up creature, Mister Griffith." The Whatnot Cop noted.

"We've got a good lawyer team, you know! I'll be able to get out of this!" Griffith shouted.

"Not when we have evidence in the form of all the episodes of the show. I expect you'll stay here for a long time." The Whatnot Cop replied.

A few weeks later...

A judge stood sternly over a courtroom full of Muppets.

"Order, order! I call the case of The People Vs Marv Griffith to court!" The judge exclaimed, pounding his gavel down.

Griffith was hauled into court by the police.

"Mister Griffith, you stand here accused of causing innocent animals to be devoured by a monster when someone fails on your game show, Swift Wits. Do you know how cruel that is?" The judge asked.

"So what? They deserve to die! They're all wretched fools, I tell you! Plain and stupid!" Griffith replied.

"We are now going to air various episodes of your show to demonstrate your cruelty." The judge mentioned.

A projector was brought out and episodes of Swift Wits- including the one where the contestant got it right, but Carl still ate the animal anyway and then ate the contestant- were shown for the court.

"Did that change your mind, Mister Griffith?" The judge asked.

"No! No one wins my show and lives to tell! No one!" Griffith shouted.

"Very well. We now know you planned to make sure no one ever won on your show and have viewed files where you forced the contestants to act stupid or be sued. We know that you planned to make sure your game show was a defeatist show and was rigged from the start. Therefore, Mister Griffith, we sentence you to life in prison for fraud and animal cruelty without probability of parole. We also order the cancellation of Swift Wits and the blacklisting of all staff members involved. And we also order any animals who were slated to be placed upon the show to be sent to a sanctuary. Court ajourned." The judge said with a smack of his gavel.

Griffith was hauled off to prison and was told, very bluntly, he would never escape.

"You'll all see! I was right! A gameshow where people win is no fun! You'll all see!" Griffith screamed from his cell.

Swift Wits was cancelled from the network and replaced with Yikes, a gameshow centering around a gauntlet of cardboard cutouts that was much safer and more entertaining.

In addition, all the tapes of Swift Wits were destroyed to make sure that the show never saw airings again.

Ironically, the tapes were fed to Big Mean Carl, who didn't care in the slightest. His career suffered somewhat as a result, but he was still able to secure gigs at eating contests, finding more successes there.

And as for Snookie Blyer, he retired from television and was never seen on airwaves again. He considered it a godsend, however, as he was getting angry at the show anyway.

The Swift Wits scandal was a small blow to Muppets TV, which now learned a valuable lesson:

If you must make a game show, do not make it inhumane for anyone, let alone an animal.


End file.
